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If you go to my website at http://rehbergpersonal.blogspot.com, you can read my first book that I wrote in school last year. It is under the title "My Farm Book From Last Year." And if you want to comment about it comment here or under the comment section of the article at my website. Thanks!!! [img]/forums/images/icons/grin.gif[/img]
Since you are a pretty mature and responsible sort for your age and education, I will assume you want the unvarnished truth rather than idle praise.
The type font is too small and black backgrounds make reading much more of a chore. The single long narrow column format is likewise reader antagonistic rather than friendly.
There is a reason why most paper is sold as white rather than dark colored for use with white ink (or some artsy paste) and in 8 1/2 by 11 aspect.
Reserve "special techniques and presentations" for isolated SPECIAL items. Like all caps... great for emphasis on a word or two or a title but BORING and dumb looking if an entire piece is in all caps. LIkewise the choice of a font. Trying to chose something really trendy or catchy is usually a long term failure. Treat special fonts, and other FLASHY techniques as if they were hot and spicey. Most folks can enjoy a little spice but few would set down to a bucket of ground cayenne and gobble large quantities with a spoon.
Some of your references (which I am sure are perfectly clear to you) are vague to the first time reader and require the reader to either just pass them by or pause to consider, neither is highly desired for reasons of clarity and readability.
Given your age and schooling I would rank the piece at least a 7 on a scale of 10 which is a pretty high mark as I am not too free with points. If you can polish and tighten it up, I could see how it would get an A or an A+ in just about any high school writing class.
Good examples of this type of writing are to be found in Reader's Digest. What you see of this sort of story published there are good examples of the genre and you could do much worse than to adopt a little of the general style. I would not be surprised to see your story published there if you really worked hard to improve it.
One of the hardest tasks for a writer, much harder than staring at a blank piece of paper and wondering how to fill it, is trying to polish and improve a piece of writing. How do you let go of some cute or catchy turn of phrase when other edits have made it obsolete? You have to be heartlessly critical of your own words and demand improvement or you will always write "pretty good" when great would have been available.
Best of luck to you,
[img]/forums/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] Pat [img]/forums/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]
I figured it was about that, thanks for the comment. Before I post my next story, I am going to change the backround to white and also try to get a different font. Thanks for being honest!!! [img]/forums/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/icons/grin.gif[/img]
GAFarmer, Thanks for being a man and accepting criticism in the spirit it was offered. Your conduct and achievments have set you apart from the average.
Please do not avoid all experimentation and slavishly copy any established style but do observe successes that are in the same general vein as your own writings and learn from them. Try to determine which elements you can adopt to your own profit and avoid what just doesn't fit well in the context of your own developing personal style.
I'm sure you are learning that what reads like someone had flow effortlessly from their mind to pen is actually the result of a lot of work and rewrite. The trick is to be able to egolessly attack and rewrite your own words till you get just what you want and not have it read like it was put together out of scraps but instead give the illusion of a single flowing thought captured in text.
Go for it,
[img]/forums/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] Pat [img]/forums/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]
[img]/forums/images/icons/tongue.gif[/img] Dear GA: I recently availed myself of a "Writer's Seminar" at a local college. it was a day well spent. We learned how format manuscripts, how to market our stuff, and how to make the contacts that are necessary in order to get our stuff into print. I occasionally write for magazines and am also working on a screen play. It's been a hobby until now, but I'm determined to harvest some of these ideas and turn them into cash. [img]/forums/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]
CJDave, (et al) Copyright EVERYTHING you write that could have commercial value. Document everything you do as to date and you being the author. Maybe you will not experience one of the "pleasures" I have had. I paid to go to a feature length movie whose plot I had shared with some folks, including a written outline. Given the "folks" and their specific connections plus the extreme remote chance of these same plot points just randomly occuring to someone else... Well you get the picture (or maybe not) if you aren't careful. Don't be the naive simpleton I was.
[img]/forums/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] Pat [img]/forums/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]
[img]/forums/images/icons/tongue.gif[/img] That was ex-um-zackly why I went to the seminar. I'm kind of familiar with "disclosure documents" having been in the corporate venue and having visited "inventors" in their homes where you have coffee and cookies at the kitchen table first and then "Ma" brings out a battered cigar box with Pa's "invention" in it. I could tell you a few stories...... [img]/forums/images/icons/frown.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/icons/tongue.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/icons/crazy.gif[/img] ....about people and the "inventions" that they had. But, hey, you never know.....there's always that chance. [img]/forums/images/icons/tongue.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/icons/tongue.gif[/img]