Barbeque / Smoking Rules to Remember

Stolen & modified from the smokingmeatforums board - but I thought you guys may enjoy. Please add your rules at the bottom.

Barbecue / Smoker Rules to Remember

Sometimes, even when you do everything just exactly like the recipe says, the barbecue just doesn't turn out right. If this is the case for you, you probably have overlooked some very important facts. These facts are not in the books. They are not on the web site - these things are secret. They have to be learned the hard way. At the risk of extreme censure by the barbecue gods I would like to give a glimpse into the secrets of great barbecue.

Great barbecue begins with the proper state of mind. Turn off the cell phone and grab a drink. Beer is best but a shot of Jack Daniels works just fine. What? You don't drink? Ok, just fake it. If you omit this first part the second becomes even more important.

Allow only the right company to assist you in your cooking activity. For example, if your brother-in-law is helping you, insist that he refrain from asking you about work (more on this later). Only people who love good barbecue should be allowed within a 5 meter radius of the cooking apparatus. Something about skinny little vegetarians gawking at the smoke and lecturing you and your buddies about the evils of a carnivorous lifestyle keeps the smoke from penetrating the meat. By the same token any employee of the IRS or similar type lurking too close to the meat or any other cooking team has a devastating effect on the whole operation.

Get very comfortable. Great barbecue takes time. There is no law that says you can't barbecue in your house slippers and your barbecue sauce stained t-shirt with the big hole in the right arm pit. Find a lawn chair to sit in and watch the smoke curl out of the pit. Yes - You have to watch and read the smoke! Make sure that you can reach the cooler full of beverages from your chair. It does not hurt to have a least one child or other such relative on standby to fetch more beer or ice if the supply runs low.

Allow only the right kind of conversation in the presence of the barbecue. This is a very complex rule too vast too cover comprehensively here. For the sake of brevity I will list a few of the approved and the unapproved topics

Approved Conversational Topics:
Barbecue or anything related; The merits of different types of beer; The best sippin whiskey; Fishing; Hunting or Hunting dogs; How to make good homebrewed beer; Camping; Women (be very careful here); Fishing while drinking beer and cooking barbecue.

Don't Talk about these:
Work; School; Taxes; Shopping; Politics; Relatives (around here you never know who is kin to who); Women (be very careful here); Fancy French foods.

Another factor that has a great effect on the taste of barbecue is the type of music that you listen to as you smoke your meat. It is not generally known that music has that effect on flavor. The smoke enjoys the sounds of horseshoes hitting the post, dogs barking playfully; the laughter of little children - and responds positively. Again this is a complex subject. Here are some guidelines:
Pork Preferably be the blues, but responds well to classic rock & C/W. BEWARE of Rap.
Any Beef critter Rock & Roll or Outlaw country music of course.
Any other meat - One of the above
Be careful with the selection, volume, etc. Barbecue can be very sensitive too loud and you will offend the smoke gods (and neighbors).
BEWARE Rap/Gangsta music angers the smoke gods and may taint the meat.


Oh, I almost forgot, make sure you have some good snacks to munch on during the process.

This is just a drop in the bucket. I'm sure many of you experienced pit masters have discovered some of these unwritten rules in your quest for the perfect rack of ribs or the prize winning brisket. Feel free to share them with the rest of us.

Various sauces have always made good topics around my smoker. This of course assumes that you have been successful in limiting immediate observers to those who truly appreciate the various sauces (mustard, ketchup, vinegar, mopping, sopping, finishing etc.). Then further discussions on which types of wood to be used with the various types of meat. And then, one of my favorites. Assuming the libations are holding up - a really good discussion on peppers is always interesting. This of assumes the Scoville scale has already been presented and the relative merits of the wonderful scotch bonnet brought to the table.

It's a shame to let the valuable atmosphere of the smoking event end when the food and liquid refreshment have all been consumed, so I like to carry with me the memory of the fine day by wearing the now smoked shirt for at least two more days. That way, the fine aroma is still around to inform of how lucky I am, and it tells other people what they are missing.

To watch your family & guests truly enjoy the fruits of your labor. To have a dog who will sit patiently with you with no worries of ever taking something before it is offered. A cold beer - it's all good. These are some of the traits of the great barbeque smoker.

One must never overlook offerings to the SMOKE GODS. An offering of your favorite adult beverage lofted high into the air and presented to the four corners of the earth while speaking in tongues will assure great success in your smoking endeavors. Iï½´ve found that occasional gunfire into the prevailing winds will tame the strongest gust and keep smoker temps even. Drinking a good sour mash will also help tame winds and even rain and snow. Iï½´ve drank many a gale force wind down to a mere puff of air. Remember "if" is the middle word in "life."

By nature BBQ gets lonely if not surrounded by wonderful side dishes on a plate that is so full you need a second plate. Pile it on or the BBQ you've worked so hard on all day will suffer massive performance anxiety and fail to meet expectations. I have found that my BBQ enjoys the company of some home grown veggies out of the garden, and keep the beverages flowing to make it all slide down easy. That my friend is the perfect end to the perfect day.


49T&C

There ain't no rules on a good barbeque. They just happen! [img]/forums/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/icons/grin.gif[/img]

Egon [img]/forums/images/icons/grin.gif[/img]

You are right. Good BBQ requires time and low heat, about a case is the perfect time. And as far as heat... well I won't go there. [img]/forums/images/icons/grin.gif[/img]